Day 9: Commitment

I now see why it is that throughout my life I have avoided commitments, really, really avoided them. It's because deep down, they actually “meant” something to me, which is “something” to me because not very much has ever “meant” anything to me in this/my life. I see now that a real commitment, when made/established becomes one with who we are. It's like understanding: That which one understands is one with that which is understood. To once again use Veno's example, the table leg understands the table because it is one with the table. I see “commitment” as the transformation/integration of "meaning" into and as self, to understanding (becoming one with) that meaning / purpose / course of action / path, etc., so as to now live it as an equal and one expression of self. A commitment is made only unto self, because only self can change / transform self.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I’ve noticed over the last month or so that I’ve been spending an average of at least 12 hours a day in front of the computer – either studying or writing. I'm cool with this because my commitment is to me to understand/realize me and all as me. Although it feels as though I'm absorbing a tremendous amount of knowledge and information, much of it is just the same stuff being repeated from different angles, kind of like painting or washing in corners and hard to get to places – you have to adjust the angle of the brush or cloth so as to be sure you've covered the entire surface area or subject. Once again, I see how limited I currently am in terms of the amount of time it takes me to comprehend a single point. I look at the sentences, and they’re not that difficult: so why do I require to read them ten times, in order to comprehend them? Perhaps, it has to do with me trying to “remember,” instead of simply inputting the information and then accessing it when and as I require. I'm going to look into this more.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to (in the past) avoid commitments, and within this not realize that it wasn't the commitments that I was avoiding – it was the having to change me (through understanding) that I was avoiding. I now see, realize and understand that I used to avoid commitments because I feared changing me to understand a course of action which may or may not have been an appropriate course of action for me. Therefore, I commit myself to (the commitments I’ve already made of) understanding that which is best for all life.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to spend so much time in front of a computer, without considering the detrimental effects that it may be having on me / physically. I see/realize and understand that a lifetime commitment requires a balanced schedule/life. Thus, I commit myself to designing a weekly schedule that safeguards the physical, and is fun and productive.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to input into the physical brain, all of that which I study, and within this not see/realize that there is a much more efficient method of inputting and accessing knowledge and information. (Requires a bit more research)
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be writing “more,” and within this not see/realize and understand that “more” may not be who I am. Thus, I commit myself to continue to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application, simply -write me.